For years, I prided myself on being a rescuer. I identified with Ray Donovan in being a “fixer” except that I never covered up blood, money, or murders. Good thing too, because that would be illegal. :P
But I did try to fix people. Whatever was wrong, I had the one solution that would work. Better than them doing it themselves, I would do it for them. I’d make the phone call, draft the text, file the paperwork, craft the email, practice the speech, clean the closet. You name it, I could fix it for them.
It took me a long time to realize that it isn’t my job to “fix” people. In doing so, I assume something is wrong with them in the first place. How very judgmental of me?! Just because their life may look different from mine or their stresses be different from mine doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of handling them.
Just as I had to learn a few things the hard way and work through them with some trial and error, others need that same time and respect.
My friend and author Danielle Doby writes -
“We are not in control of what lessons others are here to learn.”
I remind myself of this daily, especially as a coach. I am my client’s biggest fan, their number one cheerleader, and maybe also a tough critic who sheds light on what they don’t want to hear.
However, it is not my job - nor any other coach’s job - to fix you. You don’t need fixing. You and all your one million layers are perfectly imperfect just as you are. You have lessons in this lifetime that you need to learn. Obstacles you need to face to prepare you for what’s to come. As Danielle points out, I am also not in control of what lessons others are here to teach me.
When I try to control another, force my agenda upon them, or push them to do something they may not be ready for, I lack faith. I lose trust in the divine plan God has for each of us.
No, as a coach I never fix you. I never force you. I don’t come up with a regimented plan you must follow to find happiness. My approach, which I am super proud of, is to show you how to do these things on your own.
I teach you. Guide you. Give you tools. Ask tough questions. And, I listen. I wait. I allow you to get still, to clear your head. You learn to trust your intuition. To read your body, rather than your thoughts. I help you on the journey back to yourself. And really, isn’t that why we’re all here? We’re all on a journey of peace that leads us back to ourselves. Whole. Full. Happy. Complete. All on our own.
Get your very own copy of Danielle’s work, “I Am Her Tribe” - which includes the above poem. She’s a phenomenal writer.