That Time When My Help Backfired.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been a “fixer.” Not in the Ray-Donovan-illegal-cover-up way, but in the enneagram-2-always-a-helper way.
During my time studying life coaching with Martha Beck, I learned about Karpman’s Drama Triangle and realized that my helping was actually harming. Ouch! Talk about a hard realization.
The triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts. Karpman identified three key roles people play: victim, persecutor and rescuer.
Over the course of any given scenario a person can play one, two or all three roles in the triangle.
For example, a person may feel like a victim of her situation. In relaying her scenario, she may shift into the role of persecutor as she places blame outside of herself. And, as she tries to fix the other person, she can shift into the rescuer role. Or, a friend or family member may try to rescue her.
In my early twenties an acquaintance told me I was addicted to drama. As much as I didn’t want to believe his words, the truth in them stung. After learning about the drama triangle, it made sense how my fixing was adding to the drama rather than stopping it.
In hindsight, the role of rescuer was my default. I thought I could fix anyone and anything. My friends. My husband. My marriage. My bosses. The companies for which I worked.
The problem with fixing is that you rob the other person of a valuable lesson that needs to be learned.
Stepping out of the rescuer role started when I first went to therapy over a decade ago, and it really took root with my life coach training. It became very clear that when I deny others the lessons they need to learn, I can prolong their suffering.
So why, then, did I recently step into the rescuer role when I knew better? Someone was picking on a friend, that’s why. What can I say? Old habits die hard…
As this old habit crept back up, two coaching tools came to mind:
True/Kind/Necessary Filter. Run your responses (verbal or written) through this filter before speaking. Ask yourself these questions: Is the thing you’re about to say true or are you embellishing the truth? Are the words and your tone kind or could you do better? Is your response necessary? Will you help or hinder the outcome?
Body Compass. Our physical bodies respond to a stimuli before our thinking minds can catch up to rationalize or justify what’s happening. This body compass is often referred to as your gut instinct or intuition. I like to think it’s the Holy Spirit nudging me in a direction, and my job is to trust and follow that nudge.
Funny thing - I actually ran my response through the true/kind/necessary filter before I posted it. Using this tool is now second nature for me. However, when I got to the “necessary” part of what I wrote, my body compass lit up like a Christmas tree.
Inserting myself into my friend’s scenario wasn’t necessary. In fact, it not only made her situation worse but also made me feel terrible.
Sometimes we have to allow others to learn lessons the hard way. In wanting to defend her and take away some of the sting she was feeling, I inadvertently drove the knife deeper into the wound.
Rescuing never really fixes the problem. Rather, it typically perpetuates the drama. And let me tell you, I started some online drama. 😳
I don’t know about you, but I have zero desire to be a part of that.
To stop the drama triangle, a rescuer steps into a coaching role by asking well-timed, intentional questions to challenge the victim and encourage self awareness. There’s a thin line between coaching and rescuing, and it’s one I have to consciously walk each day.
I giggle even as I type that last paragraph. Rescuing and coaching. So similar, yet so different. Throughout my own personal growth, I took my tendency to rescue and honed that gift into a successful coaching career.
The thing about growth is sometimes it feels like you take 20 steps forward only to take 20 steps back. The reality, though, is that you don’t take 20 steps back. Sure, you may take 19 back. That 1 step, however, still reflects growth and it should be celebrated!
The scenario I described above was an example of a step backward for me, which is not the direction I want to go. Maybe you’ve experienced a similar setback lately.
When this happens, you have 2 options:
Beat yourself up and take more steps in the wrong direction.
Give yourself grace, learn from it and keep moving forward.
Me, I chose the latter. And in doing so, I realized that I only took one step back, not 19. In a matter of hours (not days, weeks or years), I realized the boundary I’d crossed, apologized for doing so and learned a very important lesson: Trust your body compass, especially when it comes to the “necessary” filter.
When you follow your body compass, even when it doesn’t make sense to you at the time, you realign yourself with truth and health. And that’s right where I want to be.
In closing, here are a few questions for you to ponder about your own involvement in drama:
How often do you play one or all of the roles in the drama triangle: victim, persecutor, rescuer?
Is there a role you tend to play more than the other?
What do you need to step out of the drama?
When is the last time you trusted your gut instinct or intuition?
